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Journal Key:

Green = Steve | George = navy | Janet = Purple | Evelyn = Black

1/21/10 (Thursday)

Of all of the things I've ever done in my life, I think that leaving Owen in the hospital yesterday was the hardest. We spent an hour or so with him before we were able to leave, and that helped. I know that he's in a good place and that he's getting what he needs, but it's awful having to leave him there.

He's doing well, though. We went back to see him today. He's still got a tube in his nose, the CPAP. This frustrates him very much; it doesn't look comfortable. It's not helping him breathe, really, but it's making sure that his little lungs stay pressurized. It produces Continuous Positive Airway Pressure. It consists of two large tubes that are held to his hat by rubber bands and safety pins; the tubes attach to a crosspiece that has a prong for each nostril. He occasionally gets to "sprint" and go off of it for a while, but they've seen that his breathing does speed up when he does this, so he still needs it.

He's in an open bed with a warming light above it. He's always got a silver heart stuck on his skin and attached to a wire. It monitors his temperature and turns the warmer off and on. He may get moved to an enclosed bed, an isolette, soon, when he can control his own temperature. Most of his fluids are coming in through an IV, but he's also being fed tiny amounts of milk. He's got a feeding tube going into his mouth, and the way that they put milk in is by suspending a little vial of it by a rubber band and letting gravity do its job. I love the combination of incredibly high-tech equipment and practical ingenuity. The amount of milk they're giving him right now is so tiny as to not matter to his weight gain or anything; it's just meant to let his stomach know what its job will be. It'll get him to start producing digestive enzymes.

One really nice thing is that Owen likes his popper. He definitely calms down when he sucks on it, but he's not big enough to keep it in by himself. The nurses use rolled-up baby shirts and things to kind of strap it in; when we're there we can hold it. It's the kind where you can stick your finger inside the nipple part; you can feel him sucking on your finger.

We're learning how to calm him. NICU babies don't like being stroked, which makes sense. In the womb, what would stroke you? You'd be used to feeling wrapped up and confined. Owen likes to have a hand on his head, and sometimes confining his feet helps, too. He spends quite a bit of his time on his tummy, and the nurse pats his little bottom when he's upset. It does seem to help.

Steve and I have now both gotten to change his diapers. I got a poopy one! It's amazing how tiny the diapers are, and then they have to get folded over even more to accomodate his little belly button (which is coming along quite nicely). We've also both had our fingers held. His little hands are always busy when he's awake, finding things to push and grab.

Another really, really nice thing is the presence of the March of Dimes. There's a lady there who's spoken to us several times; she got Cara her Big Sister T-shirt and some bracelets. Cara likes the bracelet with the March of Dimes logo the best and frequently points out to me that the others don't have it. She likes the little mommy and baby. On Saturday, they're having a sibling class. We're signed up, of course, for the hospital's sibling prep class on the same day, but we weren't planning on going. This one will teach Cara about having a baby brother in the NICU and about how important it is, for instance, to wash your hands when you come home from preschool. They'll also make Valentines for the babies, which sounds like it's right up Cara's alley.

It's been a stressful week, and Cara's really managing well. She's testing her limits a little and practicing her powers of manipulation and delay, but she's also a real helper. As soon as I was home from the hospital, she was ready to get things I needed and eager to understand. She's going to be a fabulous big sister.

1/22/10 (Friday)

There's a little girl in the bed next to Owen's; she was born yesterday, I think. The nurse claims that the two of them have been talking to each other. They take turns fussing. They had a very fussy night and kept their nurse hopping. They were fussy today, too, though Owen did spend most of our visit sleeping.

Steve got to talk to a doctor when I was pumping. He estimated that Owen might come home when he's the equivalent of 36 or 37 gestational weeks old. The nurse says that most people find that they don't need preemie clothes. This, of course, makes me wonder who ever does need them. There was a real issue, though, that the doctor brought up. Owen has a heart murmur. This would have been discovered and followed had he been born full-term, so it's not a preemie issue. They'll check on it again in a few weeks and see whether and how things have changed and what we might need to do about it.

One funny thing is to see all of these tiny babies moving around. When they're on their backs they flail everything they have to flail, of course, but when they're on their tummies they really can pick themselves up. They can't pick up their heads, of course, so those stay put, but they can pick their little tushies up in the air, and they can push up with their arms.

Tomorrow Owen might get to try sprinting for an hour without his CPAP. I'm hoping we'll get to hold him. Ideally, we could see him without his jaundice goggles.

Cara had a disappointment last night; Ariel's head fell off. We cannot repair her. This is on top of her light-up pen having broken the previous night. For Family Fun Night, as a result, she and Steve went to Target. They did buy a cool mist humidifier and some new socks for Cara, but they were also there to find a new Ariel. Now, Ariel is hard to find. Fortunately, substitution was acceptable. Cara got a real treat; it's a Frog and the Princess doll with a prince, three outfits, and a horse and carriage! This is thrilling. Cara's main focus in her play is to make parades, and she's delighted to have a vehicle to add.

This morning, the tv was on. Cara wanted the sound turned up. I had her get the remote and told her that what she wanted to change was the volume. "Vuh-vuh-volume," she said. She looked at the remote. "This one," she said, pointing at the "Vol" button I had wanted to show her.

1/23/10 (Saturday)

Yesterday we heard that Owen had been up all night fussing. He was fussy a bit when we saw him. This morning when Evie called the hospital, the nurse said "He's been giving me a run for my money!" So Owen is a fussy little guy. We presume he is working this all out of his system now. I also deduce that he wants to be disconnected from all the machinery so he can start rolling around.

This morning Cara came with us to the hospital for a special March of Dimes class to teach the child about having a sibling in the NICU. (On the way we stopped at Wendy's and taught her how to dip her french fries in a Frosty. Not sure this was a good idea.) The class was cute and fun because Cara got to make valentines out of sticky foam hearts and glitter glue. Miss Kristie, who ran the class, had help from her own two daughters, which I think made it easy for Cara to get involved and have fun. Also for a while we were the only people there. Miss Kristie took a picture of Cara, got it printed, and we put it inside of a heart-shaped frame that is now sitting in Owen's place in the NICU. We also finally managed to color Cara's picture for Owen and give it to him.

Cara was shown how important it is to wash your hands, and how difficult it is to wash them well. She put on special ointment and washed her hands, and then Miss Kristie shined a special light over her hands to show her places where the ointment had not been washed off. (I wanted to try this as well, but Miss Kristie mentioned pointedly just how expensive the ointment is, and I decided to refrain.) Cara was also shown a baby doll dressed up with some of the things that Owen is wearing in the NICU--the "sunglasses" he wears under the bilirubin lights, and feeding tube, and shiny heart monitor that measures his temperature.

Owen is progressing! He was doing well with the small amount of milk he was being fed, so the amount of milk he's being given has been increased. Also today for the first time he was "sprinted" off the CPAP. When I came in to visit him, the nurse disconnected him from the tubes, wrapped him up tight in a shirt and a blanket, stuck a hat tight on his head, and handed him to me. I got to hold my son for the first time. In the dim light, he opened his eyes and looked around a little. It was really fantastic. They will be taking him off the CPAP for an hour at a time, and if he continues to do well, they will increase the time off.

Evie also got her time to hold Owen, while Cara and I sped home--a little late--to meet Grandpapa and Grandmama. Some mural-painting was done, and Aunt Claire arrived too! Grandpapa nicely sped off to the hospital to pick up Evie and bring her home so that we could all have a nice dinner. We closed off our evening with a lovely episode of "Life of Birds." Then, after we convinced her that a bath was not in the offing, Cara closed herself away and came out wearing pajamas.

1/24/10 (Sunday)

I was surprised to hear that the amount of milk Owen is being given has continued to increase and will continue to do so. I'd assumed that they'd try him at one level for a while and then move on. He is still sprinting three times a day, for an hour each time. He did really well today; his oxygenation stayed at 100% for the entire hour! The nurse thinks maybe soon he'll go to two hours each time.

We both got to hold him, and he had his eyes open for a long, long time. They're so dark it's hard to tell what color they are. He looked at us both and listened to our voices. He did enjoy having one arm out. He flapped his little flapper all over, getting into my hair a couple of times. That may have surprised him. He seemed quite comfortable with his arm across his mouth, but eventually he settled happily with it up next to his head.

I missed the really hard part, when he had to go back on the CPAP and back on his warming table. He was so upset about it that the nurse had to give him sugar water. By the time I got back from pumping, he'd gone to sleep.

1/25/10 (Monday)

Cara was back to preschool again on a rainy, rainy day. Last night Mommy had promised to wake Cara up with "four kisses," at Cara's request. However as it turned out Cara woke us up at around 6:30. This is very odd since on a usual weekday I have to shake the child awake some time after 7. Maybe she is not totally adjusted to our new lifestyle.

We still didn't manage to get her to preschool until around 9 AM. Everyone there asks how Owen is doing. Today I brought in Owen's registration form so that he can enter the infant and toddler daycare across the street from Yellow Brick Road--eventually. Also today Cara started up gymnastics at preschool again. She is claiming nowadays that she wants to give up dance and do gymnastics after school. I'm hoping this is a passing fancy.

Evie and I made our daily trip to see Owen today. The nurse did not say anything about his causing trouble, and he was very sleepy and quiet the whole time we were there--he barely opened his eyes. His food is increasing rapidly and today he was up to half an ounce! He did the normal sprint today and afterwards the doctor said he was doing so well that they'd be increasing up to two hours off the CPAP. So he is progressing steadily! Once Owen is totally off of the CPAP he can try bottle feeding. He will probably move to a crib then and will no longer need an IV. We'll be very happy to see all of the wires and sunglasses slowly being taken off of him.

This may not have come through in the journal, but Puma is much less important to Cara now than he used to be. Lately Deesta the cat from Build-a-Bear has been Cara's favorite stuffed companion. For whatever reason, though, today Puma was chosen to go to preschool. On the way home in the car, Cara and Puma were having a heated argument over which of them was silly. "You're silly!" Cara would say in her normal voice, and then: "No, you're silly!" in her Puma voice. I believe she also experimented with having Puma's part of the argument spoken in a series of meows. Eventually Puma conceded to being silly.

Having had a couple of conversations with Cara in which she insisted that she didn't want to do gymnastics at preschool anymore, I was delighted when the first thing she said to me when she got home was that she'd done gymnastics and it was so much fun!

I was surprised yesterday when, in the bath, Cara set up a tall seat for one of her girls and announced that the girl would be reading the news. She was a news broadcaster with a sidekick. The sidekick has been phased out, but we still have a newscast. The news consists of the menu for the day; Steve's been saying that he's tired of reading Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. Pancakes for breakfast, everybody!

1/26/10 (Tuesday)

I was very surprised the other day to find out two things: Cara knows how to play duck-duck-goose. Steve does not. We explained the fundamentals to him, but somehow he did not get to participate in the two-woman, three-doll game that took place in Cara's room. The dolls needed a little help for the running part.

Apparently the kids did an obstacle course today in the gym at preschool. Cara told us all about it. It was run by a man who "looks just like you, Daddy. But he had a hat." Thank goodness he wore a hat, or imagine how confusing that would have been!

Cara and Steve went out after preschool today to do a couple of errands, and they also bought Valentines for Cara to use this year. She got two boxes; one is fairies for girls, and the other is Cars for boys. Both have lollipops in them. We're going to have a lot of lollipops left! You can imagine how attractive the Valentine section is to Cara, but Steve said it was easy to talk her out of wanting most of the things by telling her they were chocolate. She did get a Valentines balloon. It's a perfect toy for her! It's one of those little mylar balloons that's on a stick. Cats won't bother it. It will last a long time. She spent the evening running around hitting things (herself, us, the furniture) with it. It actually was quite helpful in our evening routine. She stood still for tooth brushing, helpfully distracting herself with it. While I flossed her, she happily beat me with it. When she got into bed, she asked me to take it downstairs for her, to put it away in her playroom so that she can play with it tomorrow.

We got to hold Owen for a long time today, but it was with his CPAP in. They'd moved him up to sprinting for three hours, somehow, and it was too much for him. His breathing got fast, so they decided to keep him on it for a while. I had noticed his breathing speeding up yesterday when we had him off, so I'd been surprised they'd decided to go even to two hours. I think it's good to make him take a break. I called this evening, though, and the nurse said that in the hour and a half that she'd been on duty she'd had to put it back on him three times; he's getting good at taking it off.

There have been lots of stories lately about the dangers of drop-side cribs; we have one to add about drop-side warming beds! The warming bed Owen's in has sides that come down for easy access, and one corner bracket broke for good today (it's been rickety). This precipitated the nurse's decision to promote him into an incubator. She'd been saying that he'd probably skip that step and go right to a crib when he was ready, but fate decreed otherwise. She taped the side on firmly and stayed nearby while the incubator warmed up, lest the tape should give way and Owen should simultaneously learn to roll over. I find this funny, but really the little things do move around an awful lot. They often threaten to move right out of their diapers.

Owen's weight is up to 4 pounds, 3.37 ounces. He's still doing great digestively, and more than half of his daily intake is milk through his feeding tube. We did notice today that his right eye was red and oozy, so it's been cultured and we'll see what comes of it.

We got prints made of the pictures we have of him, and we've put them into a little album. Tomorrow Cara gets to take it to preschool to show off.

1/27/10 (Wednesday)

This morning Cara did take our little album of Owen photos to preschool with her; as soon as we got inside, she wandered around with the book held out in front of her until someone noticed what she had. Soon a crowd gathered and she got to (slowly) page through the photos for everyone. It was nice.

Today Evie got to try "kangaroo care" with Owen. She laid back in a special chair and Owen was slipped inside her shirt so that she could hold him skin-to-skin. He also got to do some sprinting off the CPAP while this was happening. I'm pretty sure this went on for well over an hour, and he did fine. We held off his regular feeding a little to extend it, so he was a bit hungry by the end and actually might have done a little rooting around. He definitely did a bit of moving and ended up squirmed over onto one side of his mommy.

He is getting some drops put into his eyes now. There wasn't as much gunk on his right eye today but it had trouble opening. He appears to have a mild infection which the drops should take care of. His feedings continue to increase.

Cara spent some time outside at preschool running around with the boys, having a blast. Unfortunately she also tripped and fell on her face. She has no scratches on her lip, but there is a bruised spot on her gum. The teachers put some ice on it and she was totally fine when I came to pick her up. She sure loves playing with the boys; she even had a picture in her mailbox which apparently little Ralph drew and gave to her. Yesterday she was talking about a new Lollipop named Michael, and how they had laughed together about some blocks falling over.

The other day I had a rare few minutes to actually play with Cara and I pretended that one of her toys could read her girls' minds. I don't know whether it was this that prompted it, but lately Cara has been talking about her mind and what her mind is telling her. At night, she will say "My mind is telling me I want another book." In the car on the way home from preschool, she was talking to me about how she was going to be good and not complain when we had to turn off the television at bathtime. "But my mind might tell me to scream," she said. "My mind is so crazy. My crazy mind..."

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